Monsters in the Shrubbery
DATELINE: Tuesday, December 10, Nowra
Monsters in the Shrubbery
by Poppy Koch
Forget summertime rips and sunburn, Shoalhaven Councillors have vowed to fight the root cause of community fear of foliage with desperate calls for concreters to donate trucks and time to save the region's children.
Councillor Moe Profit told a terrified gallery at tonight's Council meeting that he would personally take his hoe to any Shoalhaven shrub that dared to ensnare innocent kiddies.
"I don't care if they are spiky natives or flowering imports, I'll take them all on without discrimination," Cl. Profit said.
"It's my duty to the next generation who are growing up anxious that a bird could shit on them any moment they step outside."
Cl. Profit said that even though he didn't read much on the Internet, he was well aware of a secret society of plant enthusiasts who had plotted to turn Shoalhaven's windswept, sandy foreshores into a dense, impenetrable jungle.
"We must grapple with those shady green types before they allow groundcovers to spread over our beaches, stabilising our dunes and swallowing up our children."
"It's all fun and games when these species first sprout cute little leaves, but pretty soon bees will feed on the blossoms.
"I've watched enough Netflix, from my infinity pool that bleeds seamlessly into Pointless Bay, to know where this is headed.
Profit told the quivering crowd he would "nip those gremlins before they bud".
"You've got to think about the future when they become giants stalking us in the night - and blocking an excellent view of the proposed Moe Profit Marina & Casino complex.
Seconding the motion, Councillor Curly Cashmore said he had lived part-time in the Shoalhaven for 30 years and rented out several appealing oceanview properties on www.sandinmycoffee.com.
He suggested a friend could provide Council, at a special rate, a bespoke suite of holographic trees that provide shade without actually existing.
But Cashmore confirmed his commitment to "transparency" in championing the views of the beachfront Airbnb minority, usually looked past by the majority from the backstreets.
"I seen the filthy pollution real trees cause with my own eyes, from my own wraparound balcony," Cl. Cashmore exclaimed.
"Mushrooms grow right out of tree buttresses, teenagers hide vapes in tree hollows!
"And we all know what weeds them hippie nature types will want to grow next hidden inside that fertile wilderness.
"What happens when a bushfire sweeps through and burns that stuff? We'll all be stoned off our faces!"
Luckily for Profit and Cashmore, bushfires that bad only happen in places that have climate change, not in the Shoalhaven.
